


This Love

by choimineul



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Casual Sex, Drunken Confessions, Dumb MinHwan, Eventual Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Internal Conflict, M/M, Regret, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut...ish, idk if tagging smut would be wise but ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 11:38:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17918060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choimineul/pseuds/choimineul
Summary: At first, Jaehwan didn't know where to stand when gradually, Minhyun started giving him a bit more than what they had initially agreed on. But now he did.Jaehwan wanted these things to be permanent. To be intentional. Not just crumbs—stuff he gets to have when Minhyun lets his guard down (probably by accident), and becomes generous with affection beyond what was appropriate for their arrangement or whatever label that society may have for two people who had an agreement like theirs.Friends with benefits.a.k.a. that friends with benefits fic that has more fluff x angst x feelings than reasonable. prepare to be frustrated (not sexually).





	This Love

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a Taylor Swift song of the same title:
> 
> _This love is good_  
>  _This love is bad_  
>  _This love is alive_  
>  _Back from the dead, oh_  
>  _These hands had to let it go free_  
>  _This love came back to me_

Jaehwan knew early on that the closest he can get to being _Minhyun's_ is by surrendering his body to him who uttered the most beautiful words when they were in bed. 

Minhyun once grunted, "Fuck, you're so so beautiful," that time he had Jaehwan pinned beneath him, while the younger rode out an orgasm that Minhyun elicited with only hot kisses on his mouth, ear, neck, and a hand _on_ _Jaehwan_.

The younger had a hand over his own mouth, with the other splayed across Minhyun's bare back, fingers digging gently on the skin that had a thin sheen of sweat.

One time it was, "Mmm, Jaehwan. Oh god, yes..." the younger recalled. The older had his hands on his own hair then, bottom lip between his teeth, and his back was arched beautifully from the bed because Jaehwan had his favorite part of Minhyun's anatomy in his mouth.

And maybe it was how Minhyun held his face, keeping their gazes locked while he came or how a blush will dust the older from his chest up to his cheeks whenever Jaehwan dropped the honorifics during sex, that the younger finds himself wanting more than what they had initially agreed on.

Jaehwan would admit the selfishness of it all, and that he definitely expected more than what he actually ended up getting, from the last time he was held in Minhyun's arms. It was also the first time he had the courage to express his dissatisfaction over their... arrangement.

A foolish decision, he will later find out.

He'd read too much into the intimacy that Minhyun and him had when their limbs were tangled in bed and when the only sounds you could hear in the room were their heavy breaths, moans, whimpers, sighs, grunts, desperate pleas for more, or silent whispers of each other's names.

"I better go," Jaehwan remembered saying as he half-heartedly pried his naked body away from Minhyun's, about fifteen minutes into the cuddling session they were in, post-mutual orgasm.

Minhyun made a whining sound in his throat, already half-asleep yet awake enough to protest. He wrapped a clingy arm around Jaehwan's waist as the younger sat on the edge of the bed looking for his clothes.

Jaehwan was glad Minhyun didn't ask him to stay verbally because he was still tingling from head to toe from Minhyun's ministrations and heaven knew he would have given anything the older asked of him. When it was Hwang Minhyun, Jaehwan always _always_ folded.

Instead, Minhyun only asked, "But why?" prolonging that last word like a little kid.

The younger knew he can easily make up some lame excuse but he doesn't remember what came over him then that he decided to drop a hint on how he was growing tired of being nothing more than just a casual lay for Minhyun. He wanted more. He wanted the real deal.

Jaehwan was ready to trade the mind-blowing sex for the slightest chance that the older would want him back, too. In a way that was beyond just being his booty call.

Not that the older was an awful lover which made the sex easy to give up. It—no, _he_ was actually the best Jaehwan ever had. Minhyun knew very well how to use his fingers, hands, lips, tongue, teeth, and words to bring Jaehwan to indescribable heights. And more than his mastery of the ages old mating dance, Minhyun was also selfless, caring, and passionate in bed.

He can be the gentle lover that made sure to worship every inch of Jaehwan's body while murmuring the sweetest words, before taking Jaehwan so painstakingly slow that it made the younger want to cry.

 _"Minhyun hyung,"_ Jaehwan would beg, _"More, please. Faster."_

But Minhyun could also be an intense lover—hands quick, kisses possessive, strokes quick, deep, and rough—desperate to get Jaehwan to his first orgasm of the night.

_"Hyung, I'm already close—"_

Jaehwan used to even stay the night; and they wouldn't be able to get their hands off of each other until one of them gets hungry for (literal) food. Then the younger's stay will be extended as one of them takes it upon himself to cook breakfast for the both of them.

Jaehwan loved cooking for the older, especially when, in the middle of doing so, strong arms will wind around his waist and a chin will be propped on his shoulder.

"Looks delicious," Minhyun once said, with his bare torso pressed up against the length of Jaehwan's back.

Jaehwan could feel Minhyun's warmth seeping through his clothes. He smiled but said nothing, and carried on cooking until the older started a trail of slow, open-mouthed kisses along the side of his neck, then down his shoulder. "I want you again," Minhyun whispered that time.

"You just had me. Behave," Jaehwan had warned playfully, wriggling out of the embrace. "Or I'll either end up serving you burnt eggs or moaning in bed under you in less than a minute and we'll both be hungry, if you don't."

At that, the older unwound his arms from around Jaehwan's waist with a belly laugh that sounded like music to the younger's ears.

And Jaehwan missed those moments with Minhyun.

Their arrangement really was unusual. They were each other's only option and go-to when nights got hot and stuffy and uncomfortable without a warm body beside them, but once it's over, they would go their separate ways and then just hear from one another again when one of them needs the other's help to scratch _the_  itch.

Sometimes, it made Jaehwan feel worth only as much as the pleasure his body could give Minhyun. But he used to be content with it also; feeling safe about not putting any feelings or attachment in the equation because that's what messes a lot of things up.

But now it's been, what, two months? Two months since Jaehwan accepted defeat to his own inner battle and realized that his initial resolve to never get himself emotionally involved, has been long thrown out the window.

And he wasn't sure how much more he could take. Of the rollercoaster ride of feeling on top of the world in bed with Minhyun, only to experience the repeated heartbreak of being sent off with nothing more than a, _"Last night was amazing. I'll see you next time."_

Somewhere between the physical intimacy that they shared, Jaehwan's heart dismantled its own protective wall and let him grow uncontrollably fond of the older. How Minhyun insisted that Jaehwan be little spoon always.How Minhyun worked so hard, sometimes to the point of inviting Jaehwan over for sex to take the edge off, only to end up passed out on the couch before the younger could arrive. How Minhyun loved anything Jaehwan cooked. How Minhyun always insisted to clean Jaehwan up after sex, when the younger used to stay the night before. How Minhyun sang him a lullaby once after sex, as Jaehwan drifted to sleep.

And at first, Jaehwan didn't know where to stand when gradually, Minhyun started giving him a bit more than what they had initially agreed on. But now he did.

Jaehwan wanted these things to be permanent. To be intentional. Not just crumbs—stuff he gets to have when Minhyun lets his guard down (probably by accident), and becomes generous with affection beyond what was appropriate for their arrangement or whatever label that society may have for two people who had an agreement like theirs.

 _Friends_ _with_ _benefits_.

So when Minhyun asked why Jaehwan wouldn't even stay the night the last time, the younger was ready to be honest. Sort of. "Because this is all there is to it..." Jaehwan answered, head hung low and shoulders dropped in defeat.

The solid grip that Minhyun's arm had on his waist left, as Jaehwan both felt and heard the older sit up on the bed. 

Minhyun asked from behind him, "What are you trying to say, Jaehwan?" His voice was low & strained, as if there was a myriad of emotions that he, too, had to keep at bay.

"I'm saying that since I'm just someone you casually warm your sheets up with, then I've done my part and there's no use staying the night."

Jaehwan's words were met with silence which could only mean that what he meant to imply got across to Minhyun crystal clear.

Jaehwan wanted more. More than what they had agreed on in the beginning. More than what Minhyun was willing to give.

So the younger stood up without a word, put on his clothes, and made to leave the room when Minhyun spoke up. "Okay, Jaehwan."

 _Okay, Jaehwan._  That was all he got when he came so close—too close—to pouring his feelings out to the other and it couldn't get any more obvious than that.

Minhyun did _not_ want the same thing he did. 

And now, it's been close to a month since they last saw each other so Jaehwan had to keep himself from fidgeting and pulling at his clothes when he bumped into the older at a convenience store late at night.

"Hey," Minhyun said, looking at Jaehwan with eyes that seemed to want to say more than the trivial word. The older did that more often than was convenient for Jaehwan.

The younger said a polite "Hi" and noted that Minhyun looked like he lost a lot of weight, with the lines around the older's lips burying deeper than they should when Minhyun did that thing where he pursed his lips together as if thoughtfully, when really it was just a habit of his when he wanted to say more but didn't know how.

They engaged in small talk but things were not getting any less awkward.

Jaehwan was avoiding Minhyun's eyes and Minhyun was rocking back and forth on his heels, a hand not leaving the back of his own neck. 

But it was inevitable. They were helpless to douse the fiery desire that burned within them, making them crave more than the superficial conversation that they were having in this public space.

And so to the younger's shame, the one month streak of staying away from Minhyun came to an end when he found himself half an hour later, under Minhyun's gaze and naked body, with his own hands on the older's bare back.

"Goddamn, I missed this," Minhyun almost growled before he dove in to make love with Jaehwan's tongue with his own. "I fucking missed you so much," he tried to say in between hot, wet kisses.

Almost a month of ignoring all of Minhyun's messages and calls, down the drain just like that. And Jaehwan so badly wished Minhyun missing him was enough. But he was selfish and greedy and those sentiments just didn't cut it.

Jaehwan knew that an onslaught of self-loathing and regret will come later when he finds himself staring at the familiar ceiling of Minhyun's bedroom once again with his body satisfied boneless, and a heart empty and aching for more than the bliss that having sex with Minhyun gave him.

He just wanted Minhyun to love him back; like him back, at the very least. But Jaehwan was realizing more clearly by the second that, that _was_ too much to ask the heavens for.

Minhyun tugged at Jaehwan's bottom lip with his teeth, putting the younger's thoughts to a halt and replacing them with nothing but a clawing desperation to press their bodies as hard together as possible.

"Jaehwanie," Minhyun said with a shaky voice as he ran an equally shaky hand up then down Jaehwan's side so slowly, while he buried his nose on the younger's neck; inhaling deeply before darting out his tongue to lick a strip of wetness on that place where Jaehwan once put a henna tattoo on. 

"Hyung," Jaehwan gasped as he arched his neck to catch his breath while he ran his hands through Minhyun's hair, tugging at it gently.

The older moaned at that, eyes closed, mouth open, as he thrust his hips against Jaehwan's tentatively.

It was Jaehwan's turn to moan, "Hyung, please."

And the older complied to his pleas giving Jaehwan the most pleasure he's had in almost a month because thrusting against his own hand could never come close to the exhilarating sensations that only Minhyun's lovemaking could give him.

And about another half an hour later, while Minhyun was still catching his breath, Jaehwan decided to make a run for it. Again.

But this time, the older had more to say about that, with his fingers wrapped around Jaehwan's wrist. "Please stay," he almost begged, voice sounding hoarse and eyes darting around the room, wild and desperate, giving Jaehwan a sense of hope which the younger squashed all too quickly.

Minhyun threw an arm over his eyes as his bare chest heaved with every breath he took, as if he was embarrassed about making an appeal for Jaehwan to not leave yet. So the younger tugged at his wrist, silently wishing the older would let go because he wasn't ready for this; wasn't strong enough for this.

"Jaehwan, please," the older pleaded, bringing his arm down and baring his face to Jaehwan who was now asking Minhyun a million of questions with his eyes. "I don't want to go another month or even a week without you. Don't make me."

"I don't want that either," Jaehwan confessed as he trained his eyes on the wrinkled sheets that rested low on Minhyun's stomach, covering the lower half of the older's body. He refused to make any assumptions from Minhyun's words.

"Ask me if I've been with anyone else this past month," the older challenged, now sitting up against the headboard and reaching out to intertwine his fingers with Jaehwan's. 

The younger stayed silent, too scared to presume where this was going but too afraid to hope for more, with the possibility of being shot down later. "There's been no one else but me," Jaehwan answered for Minhyun, not bothering to ask the question.

"Yes."

"But that doesn't have to mean anything," Jaehwan added, defensively. At the end of the day, he needed to cling onto some self-preservation, too. "And I like you, hyung. More than I cared to admit before. There's been no one else since you, too, but maybe you just... got used to me. It doesn't mean we have the same reasons."

"And what if we do?" Minhyun shot back quickly, running his free hand through his hair and tugging Jaehwan closer.

The younger didn't budge. "Do we, hyung? Do you have feelings for me, too?"

"I—" Minhyun stammered, not knowing what to say next. Honest to goodness, he himself doesn't know whether wanting Jaehwan to stay the night or wanting to eat breakfast with the younger involved said feelings which Jaehwan was asking about.

Half a minute later, Minhyun was still floundering for words, leaving Jaehwan to chuckle bitterly at himself, "That's what I thought." He let go of Minhyun's hand, missing the warmth as soon as he did. "I know this is wrong. We didn't agree on this. And I know it's selfish, too, but I just... can't. I'm so sorry."

And Jaehwan concluded that this parting was even more painful than the last time because he had _"Okay, Jaehwan,"_  then. But this time, he only had the image of Minhyun banging his head once against the headboard with a dull thud, eyes closed, and face crumpled in frustration.

It was about ten days later that Jaehwan opened his door to a forlorn-looking Minhyun who was one second standing at his doorstep, and then sobbing on his shoulder the next.

"I'm so sorry," Minhyun cried, his arms wrapped around the younger's waist. 

"For... what?" the younger had to ask; had to make sure, even as his hands were left suspended in the air. He was puzzled over what exactly was happening.

Minhyun's frame was being wracked with sobs that shook both his and Jaehwan's body. "I almost went to a date with someone else tonight," he confessed in between sniffles, "And I'm so sorry."

Jaehwan's heart bloomed from all the inferences he could have made from what Minhyun just said, plus how the older was clinging to him like he was his lifeline. "Minhyun, hyung..." he trailed off.

"I can give you what you want, Jaehwanie," Minhyun said tightening his arms around the younger who still hasn't fully caught up on all that was happening. "Let's stop playing these games and come back, please?"

Jaehwan's body sagged in relief as a burst of hope surged through him and he finally gave in to the urge of hugging the older back. "Minhyun hyung, I—"

He wasn't able to continue when the older passed out on his arms, leaving the younger standing, and blinking in confusion for a moment.

When reality had caught up to him, Jaehwan had to dig his heels on the floor and spread his feet apart to keep himself from falling backwards because Minhyun was taller, bigger, and probably heavier than him. He limped backwards with the man in his embrace, and with much effort, he was able to gently throw the unconscious body hanging off of him onto the couch.

Only then did the strong smell of alcohol register; when Jaehwan was standing over Minhyun with both hands on his own waist. Minhyun was drunk.

This left Jaehwan wondering how much of what the older said, can he count on. How much of Minhyun's words weren't alcohol-infused and alcohol-induced?

Jaehwan sat on the floor with legs crossed, beside the couch, marvelling at Minhyun's face. He reached out to trace the tired, worried lines around the older's mouth, and then between his eyes with feather-like touches of his fingertips, even while his head was racing with too many questions.

They really needed to have a talk in the morning. Minhyun was right, they should stop playing this game of cat & mouse, of trying to stay away from each other but failing to do so; falling in bed again together and then having another fall out so soon after they've gotten their fill of each other's bodies.

"I love you, Minhyun hyung," Jaehwan said with certainty, as he laid a warm palm on the older's cheek. 

The older shifted in his sleep, running a hand up Jaehwan's arm to close his fingers around the younger's wrist. He held Jaehwan's palm closer against his cheek, and rubbed against it slowly like a cat. 

Jaehwan's heart soared with hope yet again. He really was feeling good about all of this now.

The older drifted back to slumber with a soft contented sigh that matched the small smile on his lips, mirroring the smile on Jaehwan's face. He was still holding Jaehwan's hand to his cheek.

But as fate would have it, Jaehwan woke up the next morning alone and lonely. He doesn't even remember falling asleep on the floor, much less climbing up the couch—or was he carried up the couch? He wondered how he woke up right where Minhyun had been laying passed out the last night which was also where Minhyun was _supposed_ to be, because they were _supposed_ to finally have the talk. 

Then there was this message on his phone which read, _"I will try to leave you alone for good. I'm sorry for whatever I did or said last night."_

That was all the confirmation Jaehwan needed. That was all he needed to finally and truly know that there was no chance in hell that Minhyun and him could ever be.

Three months later found Minhyun on his birthday, staring at his phone waiting for at least a text message from Jaehwan. He knew things didn't really end well between them but he was hoping Jaehwan's birthday greeting for him could open an opportunity for them to talk again.

He'd been staying up to date with Jaehwan's life through social media and everytime he opened his page, he would fear seeing the younger with another guy. The selfish part of Minhyun wished Jaehwan was still holding out for him while he himself tried to get around to letting Jaehwan know that he has figured out his feelings. That he liked him back. That he loved him.

But Minhyun doesn't know how much time he had. Does he even stand a chance after how he had so poorly fought for Jaehwan to stay? Would Jaehwan even believe him if he said he loved him?

Minhyun's phone beeped with a message as he wondered about these things and he jumped in excitement at the possibility that the sender could be Jaehwan; but that elation was suddenly replaced with disappointment when his screen told him it was someone else.

That would be the eleventh birthday greeting he received today, and it _still_ wasn't from the one person whom he wanted to receive a message from.

It was just Sungwoon.

Ha Sungwoon, as in, the mutual friend who actually introduced him to Jaehwan. The text message read: Happy birthday, Minion! P.S. I thought for sure you had something special with Jjaeni but why is he seeing Sewoon now?

 _Fucking_ _asshole._

It was only until Sungwoon's annoying high-pitched laugh was on his ear, did Minhyun realize that in a fit of jealousy, he had dialled Sungwoon to ask how he knew about this and when and where he saw Jaehwan and Sewoon together.

"You are so fucked up," Sungwoon said from the other end of the line, just to give Minhyun hell by not answering any of his question.

"Tell me," Minhyun demanded impatiently.

"Or what?"

"Or I'll tell Seongwu and Daniel that you once sleeptalked about having a threesome with them."

"Shit, Minhyun," Sungwoon whistled, "You like Jaehwan that much?" The guy could not hide the shock in his voice even if he tried.

So later that night, when Minhyun was laying in bed with Kim _fucking_ Jaehwan in his arms, he still could not believe his luck.

Jaehwan who was the noisiest, clumsiest, sweetest, most caring person he knew... was finally his. _His_ in all senses of the term.

"You're crazy," Jaehwan murmured as he layed his head on Minhyun's chest after a bout of lovemaking that was concluded with Minhyun howling against the younger's shoulder, body shaking, and hips losing its rhythm from the intense wave of orgasm that hit him. 

The older snorted, not denying the accusation, and bringing Jaehwan closer with an arm around the younger's shoulder. 

"Making a declaration of love in a public place like that..." Jaehwan recalled, cringing at the memory of Minhyun boldly staking his claim and professing his deep and undying love for Jaehwan in the cafe. "Can I ask you, hyung? Why now?"

Minhyun took in a deep breath while absent-mindedly running his fingertips down Jaehwan's spine over and over again. "I guess it was easier to keep you at arm's length and take my time confessing, when there was no threat of losing you to someone else," he sighed, embarrassed at the admission.

But that was the honest truth. It was easier to stay away from Jaehwan while he figured out his own feelings, when there was zero indication to suggest that the younger had found someone new. 

But today he realized he can't be cocky about that, or anything for that matter, when it came to Kim Jaehwan. He'd forgotten how easily it would be for anyone to fall in love with the younger, as he knew by firsthand experience.

And the thought of someone else wanting Jaehwan the same way he did, scared Minhyun. And then there was also the possibility of Jaehwan growing impatient and losing his feelings for him; _that_ _shit_ _is_   _even_ _scarier_.

Hwang Minhyun realized that falling in love really was one hell of a scary phenomenon. Maybe that was why he had spent his entire life making sure no one ever got close enough to make him fall in love.

Here was a person whose face you want to wake up to everyday, whose smile made you feel funny in your stomach, whose beauty shone from the inside out, and you can lose him to anyone anytime. What could get scarier or more intimadating than that?

But maybe it was good that Minhyun got acquainted with this fear. This fear of losing Jaehwan his laughter, his warmth, his voice, his body, his heart—to someone else. Forever. Because it made him bolder, and surer that a life—or even another day—without Jaehwan in it would be just... intolerable.

"You're crazy," Jaehwan repeated, pressing a soft kiss on Minhyun's chest.

"I know," Minhyun conceded, "And I'm sorry it took me a while..." He reciprocated with a soft kiss on top of Jaehwan's head. 

"It's okay," the younger murmured, not wanting Minhyun to dwell on self-blame, because Jaehwan knew that he himself had been lacking in the honesty and confrontation department also. "It's all okay now," he whispered against Minhyun's skin as he let his hand travel south to caress his lover's flat stomach.

This all felt like a dream. For the both of them. Indeed, it feels like nothing short of a miracle to know that the person you love actually loves you back.

"Let me make it up to you," Minhyun declared, shifting so that Jaehwan now had his chin on his chest, looking up at him. His eyes were silently pleading for Jaehwan to let him do this, as if not getting the chance to, would not let him sleep a wink.

Jaehwan giggled at the seriousness in Minhyun's face but said anyways, "No making it up to me required." He hoped the older believed him because despite his playful tone, Jaehwan meant every word. Besides, it already felt like they had an entire lifetime ahead of them, if some time for making it up to each other was what Minhyun felt he needed.

The older, who had a thigh between Jaehwan's, nudged his knee on the growing hardness between the younger's legs. "You sure about that?"

The teasing movement made Jaehwan gasp and caused his eyes flutter close. "But I mean, of course, if you insist," Jaehwan said with a strained voice, "I wouldn't stop you." He backed his words up by letting his hand continue the journey up and down the warm, flat expanse that was Minhyun's torso.

 _Two_ _could_ _play_ _this_ _game_.

The older had gone still beneath Jaehwan as the younger concluded his ministration with his long fingernails scratching down the older's chest, leaving red marks.

"Fuck."

Jaehwan giggled in his throat before pushing himself up to capture Minhyun's lips with his own, pulling away with a delighted hum after he darted his tongue out to trace Minhyun's upper lip. "Hmmm."

"Baby, I should be the one making you feel good—" Minhyun protested with eyes now closed, and body now tense. "Let me— _Shit_ ," he groaned loudly, bucking his hips up when Jaehwan's long slender fingers closed around him. 

"Minhyun," Jaehwan whispered with his lips against the older's chest, dropping the honorifics and saying the name like a prayer, like an enchantment.

And, like some universal law of science, the older's ears turned red and he growled low in his throat as the blush spread from his cheeks down to his neck and chest. He stared down at Jaehwan with his eyes deep, dilated, and dark while he said, "You call me by my first name and you know what happens."

"Uh huh," Jaehwan nodded with an impish smile, clambering over Minhyun's body to straddle the older's waist.

"Good," Minhyun said as he pressed a hand on Jaehwan's lower back, bringing their heats flushed against each other, and making them both moan in unison. "So good, baby," he repeated right on Jaehwan's ear.

The pet name made Jaehwan's toes curl and his heart thud with a joyful rhythm inside his chest, even as he still tried to grapple with the fact that finally, he was _Minhyun's_.

_And Hwang Minhyun was his._

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it!~ aAAAA I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
> 
> im working on a longer (and hopefully better) one but in the meantime, lemme know what you think on the comment box down below or *whispers* on twitter (@choimineul)


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